In My Dreams
by angelachiba87
Summary: A songfic based on the song "In my dreams" This is a song sung by Relena's Japanese voice actress, but with English lyrics. The song is in the fic, but with () around it. It is about Relena's pain as she finds out Heero is in love with someone else. S


Disclaimer: Ok, I know nobody reads these, so here it goes. I DO NOT OWN GUNDAM WING! It is owned by Bandai, Toei and it's creator Hajime Yatate and the illustrator. And Relena is not actually dead. These are totally fictional events that are apart from the series. You should get it now. If you don't, SUE ME! I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY!  
  
The girl watches as her precious soldier gets up. He dresses, and casting one glance back. He sees the sadness in her eyes, and turns. Leaving her in dismay. As he walks out, Relena puts her hands out in front of her, as a gesture to come back.  
  
"Please, don't go," she knows that he is already gone, but she still forces tears back. "I know you love another, but please stay with me a little more." She gets up and looks out the window. As she sees him get on his motorbike she lets a tear fall onto her clasped hands. She turns her face from the sight and puts her back to the windo.  
  
{Tonight, just saying goodbye makes me feel, like we will be apart forever.}  
  
Her tears fall freely as she sees the bike start up, and then it is quickly gone over the horizon. She looks up at the moon, cursing its' existance. If all it brings is sadness to her heart.  
  
{Moonlight, cast your shadow in my eyes.}  
  
She walks over to her dresser and takes something in her hands. She knows that tonight she must face her greatest fear. She closes her eyes as she opens her hands again. In it is something she never thought could be true. In her hands lies a broken cross, on a tarnished golden chain.  
  
{Please promise me to come back again.}  
  
As she opens her eyes she clenches her hands into a tight fist. She looks at the cross once more and throws it across the room. She knows that what she sees must be true, but she doesn't want to face the reality. She puts her head down and lets her lands open again.  
  
"Why Heero?" Relena chokes out, "why would you choose him? I thought you cared for me, but you never did.did you? Every time you said ai shiteru, you were thinking I was him, weren't you."  
  
She puts her hands against the wall and leans on it, silver water droplets falling to the floor.  
  
"Don't you see that I can't survive without you? Don't you know that you are my first love, my only love?"  
  
{I don't want to be along, cause' I have already known, how much I've been in love with you.}  
  
She then steps over to the dresser once more. She opens the top drawer and pulls out a small envelope. She opens it and pulls out a small photograph, smiles and lets her tears fall on it.  
  
"You never knew I took this picture did you. It was when I had first met you. I snuck into your room, slithering like a snake, and as cunning as a cat. Wouldn't you like to know how brave I was? I hid in there, and planted something you would never see. Just when you had gotten out of the shower, a click went off. The next day I went in and retrieved what I had left. You may think me perverted, or that I was stalking you, but no, I just had to keep something of you if you ever died in a battle. You look so innocent in the picture, just as innocent as a young child nursing from its' mother."  
  
She smiles softly, as if she knew she must move on. She also had a frown within the depths of her smile. She saw that in the picture, Heero was looking at something. Yearning for something, or someone she did not know. She placed the picture back in its' hiding place and looked out the window once more. Remembering the times that Heero would run off on her, and not for a mission she knew. It was for the one, the braided one. She could tell that now.  
  
{It's not love. Please tell me why, can't I live without you.}  
  
She walks over to the bathroom and walks in. Maybe something to ease the pain of her loss would help. She knew that she couldn'te live without him though.  
  
{I don't know how, to get over this pain.}  
  
She cringes as she remembers the first time they had made love. Heero had seemed more distant then than ever. Now she knew the reason. He was on his mind. Not her, but him. She lets her misery go as she turns on the water. She looks into her mirror and puts her hands in the sink. She turns on water and lets it run, just wanting release from the neverending torture in her soul. She turns off the water and looks into the mirror. Her reflection displeases her. She had cut her hair up to her shoulders, hoping to gain attention from the one she loved. Instead, all she got was a muttered reply of, 'oh yeah, you look nice', something she knew wasn't coming from his heart. She looked at the nightdress that she had bought, a white lacy thing that showed her lover what he wanted to see. But still, nothing, not true recognition, not love, not even acknowledgement. She took her hands and ripped out the earings she had in. She had bought them to please him too. She ripped the clothing off with disgust.  
  
"Damn, I'm so stupid. I did all this for you Heero, for my true love. I thought you would someday truly care for me. You took everything from me. From my virginity to my self-confidence, you stole it all. How, why did I let you destroy my life? You keep a chain on my heart, and no matter what, the locks can't be broken," Relena screamed in anger and punched the mirror with her fist. Shards of glass came into her hand, but she did not notice. Blood and tears mixed together on the counter.  
  
She steps into the tub and lets the water come up around her neck as she lies down. She then lets her head submerge, trying to drown out her pain and sorrows.  
  
{Now I lost, in the stream of your love, just like a mermaid.}  
  
As she comes up she gasps out for breath. She steps out and lets the water drain. She wraps a towel around herself and walks back into the bedroom. She then picks up the cross once again and gazes at it. Thinking of where her Heero might be now. The thought makes her shiver.  
  
{I know, there is someone on your mind, but I, know too it's not me.}  
  
She thinks about when she had first met the braided, loud mouthed, boy. How he, had called out to her, and practically asked to be with her. She knew that he was only following his heart too, but then, his heart had not been after 'her' love. Now she despised the creature, the man who had taken her life, and her heart. Heero had left her, but he had been the one leading him. She knew no reason to truly hate him, but she couldn't force the thought back that, if he never had come to know Heero, her life would still be perfect.  
  
She knew that she had been lost before she came upon Heero lying in the sand. She had hated that her father cared more about business than about her, and she had nowhere to go.  
  
{I always lose my way, when and while you're away.}  
  
Would she be lost again now that he's gone? Could she still stay as a Peacecraft and a Dorlian? Could she have enough strenghth to move on?  
  
{Find the key to the mystery of love, and they may.}  
  
She walks over to the window and looks up at the stars. She knows that there is someone else who loved her in the past. A blond man, but could she learn to love him? She smiled at one thought, at least now, Heero could be truly happy. Maybe she would spend her life in misery again, but at least he would know true love.  
  
{Please tell me why, can't I live without you.}  
  
She sits down on her bead and starts to brush her hair. Her long hair gone, and a new shorter look replacing it. She takes the bear that Heero gave as his first Christmas present to her in her arms. She leans her head down and cries on it. That first Christmas was three years ago. Three years from the Christmas Eve she was crying upon.  
  
{I don't know how, to get over this pain. Now I lost in the stream of your love, just like a mermaid.}  
  
She looks up with her vision still clouded. She reaches her hand out. The gesture she had first given after the mysterious boy raced off in a stolen ambulance.  
  
"My name is Relena, what is yours? You are my true love, come back to me," she cried softly. Letting the bear fall to the floor, and herself lay on the bed. She was on her side, lying facing a nightstand. And on that nightstand, was a picture of her with her arm around Heero's waist. And next to the picture was a bottle, a bottle of peace and of death. The bottle of sleeping pills she had used to calm herself once before to relieve the stress. She reached out and took two, just to calm herself. She pressed a button and waved Pagen in. He came back in a moment, bringing her what she wanted. Then he was gone, and the door was closed. She took the wine bottle and took one long drink from it.  
  
{Please believe in what you see, give your precious kiss to me.}  
  
She remembers the first time she had been kissed by Heero. He had spoke to her of winning the battle and then gently lifted her helmet and kissed her. After, he pushed her out and flew off quickly, racing towards the battle that might have ended his life.  
  
{We will find a perfect world, maybe someday.}  
  
She thinks of the times she could have had with him. Raising children to lead others, laying side by side in a sunny park, that was her perfect dream. Then she grabbed over and took two more of the needed pills, and another long sip of the red wine.  
  
{Please do not go, there is no one else but you. I don't know how to get over the such pain.}  
  
She cries out and curls herself into a ball. She wants to dissapear, to get out of this neverending hell. She can't though, she is tied to this world by him. By her duties as a Vice Minister Dorlian, she must stay. She sees the one thing she never wanted to see off of his finger lying on her nightstand. It is the ring, the ring she gave Heero. Or rather, the only gift of love she could give. Now she knew that he was never coming back. Him wearing the ring had symbolized them being together forever she thought. She knew, she was wrong. Again she reached over and took the pills, the relief she needed. And again, she took a long drink of the wine, the wine that would be her deadly flame.  
  
{Now I know, I'll see you once again, but only in my dreams.}  
  
She closed her eyes and hoped she could dream, of him maybe. That she could at least hold these memories to herself. As she fell asleep, the wine and the pills mixed, and her dreams were of him. Until they faded to black, the dreams were of him being happy, of him having his happiness.  
  
A/N: Ok, I know a little sappy, but it's better than my first version. My email is leilin_li@hotmail.com PLease send comments and flames. Sayounara! 


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